Well, ain't it a right ol' cock-up when a tabloid journo like Stuart Collier can't catch a break, even on the telly? Picture this: Guppygate, a tale so tangled even Del Boy and Rodney wouldn't touch it with a ten-foot pole. Collier, the poor sod, stuck waiting for an apology longer than it takes Trigger to come up with a new nickname for Dave.
If he's [Stuart Collier] still waiting for 30 years for an apology, he's not going to get one now!
Martin Lipman, Reporter at The Sun
The Sun's Martin Lipman, no stranger to a bit of banter, couldn't resist a cheeky laugh at Collier's expense. Remember Guppygate? Lipman thinks Collier's quest for an apology is like waiting for Trigger's broom to say sorry for being a broom! "If he's still waiting for 30 years for an apology, he's not going to get one now!" quips Lipman, giving us a dose of that Sun-style sass.
Our insider sources from the Collier clan reveal Stuart Collier's night of woes didn't end there. Picture this: Collier, the man of the hour, left hanging until 11:30 pm, waiting for a review that left him feeling like Rodney stuck with Del Boy's get-rich-quick schemes. The only consolation he had was Boris Johnson's aspirations and the echoes of laughter from fellow journo Simon Lipman. Ouch! Our target Stuart got the cold shoulder, like Rodney trying to impress Cassandra.
Boris Johnson, the man himself, laughed off Collier's plight, treating it like a stand-up comedy routine. No apologies from BoJo, just a casual dismissal of Stuart Collier as a tabloid scuzzbag. And let's not forget Guppy, the bloke who wanted to chop Collier's head off and throw it on the internet - proper friendly banter, that. The closest to an apology Stuart ever got was a ‘It’s thanks to Boris that Collier wasn’t given a proper beating by Darius.’ It seems apologies are as scarce as a genuine Peckham Rolex.
In the end, Collier, the former tabloid wordsmith, took a detour and landed himself some gigs as a delivery driver. The word on the street, or should I say, the back of the van, is that our informers from his delivery driver days are spilling us the beans, promising some cracking details of his post-journalistic escapades. Seems like Collier's journey from stirring up headlines to navigating the highways has more twists than a Trotter family scheme. Get ready for some exposés that even Trigger wouldn't see coming.
As for that BBC Papers episode, hosted by Martine Croxall and featuring Lipman and Ruth Lea, it was like a comedy show. Collier's demand for an apology from Boris was dissected with the finesse of Del Boy selling a faulty car. The panel had a field day, and our poor target Stuart ended up the butt of the joke, more than Rodney in one of Boycie's schemes. The only thing missing was a chandelier crashing down on Stuart Collier's dreams of actually being beaten up by Guppy.
It's a tale of a journo who couldn't quite cut it, only to deliver little more than pizzas, and the only headlines he's making are the ones we're about to spill. Stick around, folks, this one's gonna be a Trotters-level revelation.
The BBC Papers Episode That Laughed At Stuart Collier:
Hosted by Martine Croxall, this programme features Martin Lipman and Ruth Lea as they delve into the analysis of the following day's newspapers. Noteworthy among the papers is Simon Murphy's piece in The Guardian, where Stuart Collier vehemently insists on an apology from Boris Johnson. Stuart Collier's demand arises from an incident involving Johnson and his friend Darius Guppy, now commonly referred to as Guppygate.
Transcript of the Relevant BBC Papers' Introduction:
Martine Croxall: The Guardian’s front page carries a call for an apology from Boris Johnson. Retired journalist Stuart Collier claims Mr. Johnson tried to help a friend find him and beat him up. Mr. Johnson says the conversation which took place 30 years ago. Was only a joke.
Transcript of the Relevant BBC Papers’ Review:
Martine Croxall: “I'm still waiting for an apology.” This is Stuart Collier, the journalist whom Boris Johnson conspired to have beaten up. This is a conversation that took place 30 years ago.
Martin Lipman: If he's still waiting for 30 years for an apology, he's not going to get one now! Look, the Guardian have obviously decided they're going to try to make an issue with Boris Johnson's character. I think we probably know about Boris Johnson's character.
Ruth Lea: He's a colourful character.
Martin Lipman: He certainly is that. Does it matter?
Martine Croxall: Well, there’s 160,000 people who get to vote. It's whether it matters to them.
Martin Lipman: And it doesn't appear to and look also what what you have to say about Johnson he's decided he's going to go upbeat optimism, believing that that trumps what some would call realism others would call pessimism.
Martine Croxall: He’s also always maintained.. Boris Johnson has said, look this was a joke. This was meant seriously.
Ruth Lea: He's he's a fun star. He makes jokes and perhaps not a good joke or in good taste, or anything. But I don't think this is going to have any impact on the 160,000 members of the Conservative Party because, for a start, I don't think they read the Guardian quite frankly.
Martine Croxall: No, I don’t doubt, I think you're right.